Meredith's Musings

What is the purpose of this year?

2009-11-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

What has this year been about? I am not sure what I have been meant to learn. Whatever it is, I have not mastered the lesson.
This year I have felt under siege, unsupported, attacked, isolated and betrayed. I cannot see an end to this. I cannot see a way through or a way forward.
I feel very tired in dealing with this. I would like it to end.
It is really good that I have two beautiful daughters who need to have a mother who loves them, supports them and who is there for them.
Otherwise I can see no reason to be here.
I am of no value to anyone else.
I used to feel valued but this year I feel as if I have been discarded, that I have no skills or attributes worth anything to anyone. I am regularly dismissed.
I have indulged in the fantasy of getting cancer -I could make a justified escape.
I have to get up tomorrow and do it all again

Get your dukes up!

2009-06-15T05:54:00.001-07:00

Well I normally run a mile from a conflict, but buckle your seats, we're in for a rocky ride because I am in the middle of a HUGE stoush that promises only to escalate.
I am no good at this stuff. I get flumoxed when people throw diversions into the mix and I let them get off track because I am unseated by counter attacks.
Well, I may be no good at this but I have to see this through and I will not back down.

At the moment there is some serious ganging up on me going on. One person to join the frey is a Johnny come lately and really left behind. She is quite comical in her misguided attempts to be aggressive -mostly because she has no basis for aggression, her points are not valid and she has not done things I have asked her to do so I could help her. For an actress, she does a poor job of the wronged and aggrieved teacher, standing up for her rights.
Throw into the mix that she is just annoying the impartial staffroom members to the point where they intercede on my behalf before I can reply, and the situation becomes farce.
Stay tuned to this space.

Clearly, my only option is to see it through and fight the good fight while looking for a job in a private school or overseas. This is just ridiculous.

I think it is about time I wrote my First Self Help Book

2009-06-13T15:03:00.000-07:00

I think it is about time I share my bountiful wisdom with those of womankind, who like me, find themselves alone in midlife. Time for me to put pen to paper , or finger to keyboard, and give the advice that all middle aged single women need to know. Why should you continue to suffer alone, trying to find your way through the mid - single -life jungle, when I can use my hard won experience , hacking through the undergrowth, above growth and all around growth, to show you the path. Here is the map!

Still working on the title.... Maybe Possession (or lack of it), or Fear and Loathing in Brisvegas or My Last Sigh or maybe The Woman in the Flanny Pyjamas (tasteless, I know). I would prefer a more upbeat title than The Year my Heart Broke.

My ideas for chapters so far are:

Introduction

It's not so bad being alone....

Alone is not lonely.

Better alone and happy than married and miserable.

Chapter one

Cats, Dogs and other cuddle objects.

How to get the most out of your pet, especially in winter when cats can be very satisfactory substitute snuggle partners and feetwarmers.
Dogs are great companions -they love you unconditionally and are always happy to see you. They wag their tails and don't answer back. They never want to spend their time at the pub and they don't have shirts which need ironing.
A dog will love you forever if you open a can of Pal and fill his bowl.
What more can I say?

Chapter Two

Frog Kissing and other online dating hazards

Meeting suitable men is very difficult and online dating to solve this dilemma, has become an accepted part of our culture. Why is it though, that in their profiles, men include photos which are years old. Some might say this is misleading!! After several email conversations and some phone conversations, the final meeting over coffee is the real chemistry quiz!-Is there any?? Looking for gold but always coming up with lead?? You are not alone!

And while we are on the subject of profiles.. Why is it men think including photos of themselves, shirtless, holding aloft a large, recently caught fish, is a turn on for women. Are they thinking "What woman could resist such a bare chested,primal hunter and fisher as me?" I could be wrong here, but it seems to me, this is a photo of a man, by a man FOR a man. Who is the intended audience here?

Maybe I am just an urban woman but the a man holding the old fish aloft or astride the 1500 kawasaki just doesn't do it for me.
Nor the line in one delightful profile "No grannies need apply".

Chapter three

School Reunions and other events to avoid

If you are divorced, you would have read that you are about 40% of the population.

Why is it then, when you attend reunions and other gatherings of people from your past, that you are the only single person in the room??

Logic would dictate that there must be some others, surely, who are in the 40% with you. But no. Apparently not. All those in the 60% who managed to stay married and we hope, happy, are attending this little event. And quietly gloating.

What is the lesson here? Avoid like the veritable swineflu plague.

Chapter four

The Gym Option

When alone, your time is your own. Use the time to spend on yourself. You feel and look better after regular work outs at the gym. Your life expectancy will be improved. Your health will receive a boost. You can wear the clothes you want because they actually fit you! You will feel good about yourself.
Married woman who have no time or interest in looking after their shape and health will hate you for looking so good. This is a good thing. Enjoy!

Chapter five

Healthy Eating or Don't feel like cooking? Don't worry.

You don't have to prepare meals for anyone.
Sometimes you feel like cooking up a feast. Sometimes you feel like throwing a dinner party. Sometimes doing more than opening a bottle of wine fills you with the same amount of dread as jumping into a seething, errupting volcano.
Then- don't do it. I give you permission to sit on your bottom and sip the wine of your choice.
Sit with your glass of wine and nibble cheese and crackers for dinner. It contains some of the essential food groups and is easy on your state of mind.
Freedom is another word for eating what you want when you want it.

Chapter six
Nigel No friends or, going to parties alone.
Yes, I know going to parties alone is uncomfortable. You arrive alone and look like Nigel No Friends or Reject Reggie. However, once you are there you can just mix and mingle. The initial pain is over after you have crossed the threshold.
What other options are there? Arriving with a girlfriend is a good suggestion; however it is not uncommon to have questions raised about your sexual orientation when you arrive with the same friend all the time. (Believe me, this has happened.)
Going with a group of friends is a great option if you can organise them all to arrive with you.
Staying at home is not an option -time to go out and get a life. Being single does not mean having to hide yourself away.

Whichever way you choose to arrive at a party -just make sure you arrive.

Conclusion
Remember -being alone does not mean being lonely.
You have the freedom to eat what you want, when you want it, to peruse male profiles at will, to improve your health at the gym and enjoy cuddling up to a furry pet in mid winter without the maintenance issues of lookng after a man.

Sure it would be better to be in a happy, loving relationship with a man. Sure men are usually better conversationalists than dogs. Sure it would be great to have the companionship of someone who you can trust and be yourself with and really, really love. And yes, sex is a bonus. Good sex, that is.

So maybe there is no us or we, right now. Instead it is I and me.

Time to find and enjoy the joyful, inner life of YOU.

2009-06-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

It has been some months since my last blog. I wouldn't want you to think I haven't written anything for so long because I was busy having a good time, out socialising, having fun generally.

It has actually been one of the worst professional experiences f my life. I am not used to having such long knives around me in such close proximity all the time. I have had the misfortune to work with some very toxic people in a very toxic place. I think i t was a very bad mistake to come here and I realise that my physical and mental health will not hold out indefinitely against such sustained assault.

Despite not usually being one to admit defeat, I think, I have decided I am over this and need to look elsewhere for my living. I really enjoy teaching these kids but maybe it's time to look for a job outside of teaching -not sure how I would find one though.
Maybe it's time to just go back to the classroom. I wonder if I could get a job back at Benowa.
Maybe I need to get a job teaching overseas at an International school. Easier said than done.

I need to plan and find a way out of this.

Phoenix

2009-01-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

Death is the card that most haunts my readings at the moment.

I am taking that in the best light possible under the circumstances.

Of course there is death. I have just moved cities. I am starting a new job. I have left friends and people I care about. I have left someone special to me, knowing that my leaving will be the end of it.

But with death, the cards tell us, is rebirth. Rebirth means new beginnings, possibilities, reinvention, new life.

But birth, never mind rebirth is always painful. Just ask a mother.

So I am going through pangs at the moment. I feel a sense of loss and I am questioning if I have done the right thing. I am optimistic about the future but never the less, anxious.

Whatever happens, I will deal with it. But I know that I must endure the transition from death into new life and bear it with courage and fortitude and and an outward appearance of confidence.

the value of friends

2009-01-02T03:43:00.000-08:00

The value of friends cannot be underestimated.

The easy laughter; the sharing of confidences; the advice given, offered, considered, turned up and down; the moral support given and received; the affection grown; the mutual understanding; these form the garden of friendship.

After an extended period of playing my cards very close to my chest, I have recently let down my guard and have invited a wonderful new friend into my life. She is so refreshing and revitalsing. I look forward to time spent with her. The rewards of being open again are abundant.

I am lucky to have found such a great friend.

Thanks Jude!

You're wonderful.

2008-12-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

Irony. That dreaded word.

Irony 1.
I apply for a transfer which I know is unlikely to materialise.
A man is a small part for this request to move.
We break up the day before I receive the transfer that was not going to happen.
Okay. I can live with that. He was only part of the reason to move. there are many more compelling reasons to move; I made sure of my motives before applying for this transfer.
So what more can happen?
Irony 2
So now, as I am leaving, I find desirable possibilities in one who remains here.

I know that when I leave, this half started, suggested, relationship, ripe with possibilities, will end. The tension that lingered for years, finally had an opportunity to resolve itself.
That possibility evaporates with the move.

What is happening?
Do you ever feel as if fate is taunting you? That you are the plaything of some higher force, that you are being jostled about for someone else's amusement?

Well the test of me is how I bear this.

Irony 3
I guess I must let go of all and begin again in a completely neutral state. With no expectations of anyone or anything. On my own. Let go of the longing.
Alone.
Again.
Naturally.

The upside is that I am alone again. Naturally. Life is uncomplicated - a blank page.

Where is my superman?

2008-12-17T03:42:00.000-08:00

OMG!
I don't believe the hits I get with dating on line.

I know it is very sad to admit that I have been reduced to this. But you see -in my profession, it is not a good look to hit upon one's clients. (I dare not tell you who said clients are.)God knows there is no one else to consider.

So, reduced to the online animal we are. Oh, God... Whimper....

Yes, it is flattering to be followed by men14, 15 years your junior. Woah! is the initial thought. Yes, "this is good for my confidence," is another passing thought. If this hottish guy is pursuing me, then I can't be all bad.

And then the conversation begins.

Oh, God, Whimper....

Having passed vague pun passing as witticism -
"If your (sic) as sexy as your (sic) funny) you must be cool.
Emails last about 1 1/2 sentences. And I do use the term loosely. Sentences that is. Subject matter is -shall we say, light, fluffy, maybe even -superficial would be too kind, THIN.

Oh God.

I don't want much.

Just Adonis

who is of course exquisitely good in bed

highly intelligent, in a non geeky sort of way.

well read

familiar with the best art house movies

age open.

Not much really.

More and more unlikely to be hot bod, 15 years younger who thinks "your cool and your photo is really sexy".

my funny valentine?

2008-11-29T21:24:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that irony was the defining quality which dogs my heels these last few months? Like a dark, lurking creature, it lies in wait, ready to surprise me with yet another "ironic event" .

I have mentioned the moving back into family home gig -the place from which I couldn't escape fast enough when young? The application for transfer which was never going to happen but came through miraculously as one of my main reasons for transferring died in its tracks? This involves moving cities -not a small move. A big move, in fact. Sigh......

Well, here is another.

I fell in love with a valentine who had no heart. A heartless valentine in fiend's clothing who turned out to be no friend of mine. No saint, this man though a martyr to his own senseless, wasted cause. My funny valentine?
Sadly, no joke.

Never trust a scorpion!

2008-11-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

Ah! sexy scorpions! How I love them! How they dote on me. Sad they are so far and few in between. Sad you can't trust them.

There is nothing like a sizzling passionate Scorpion, determined to have his way with you. Oh, those smouldering, scorpions! Be still, my beating heart.

This dark horse of a scorpion made an unreserved and ungentlemanly lunge at me. I was partially surprised -partially stunned by the full frontal nature of it. Nothing reticent here. No gently feeling your way, no suggestive caress, lingering touch or meaningful look. Just a full on lunge. Breasts firmly held, lips awash in lips, hot heavy breath.

I should have been affronted. I didn't know how I felt.

Then I thought -actually -I like this very much. I had a serious change of heart.

But of course -the cad is married.

You can never trust a scorpion. I will just have to swim away...

But T. , you set my heart on fire.

Wheel of Fortune

2008-11-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

It has been some time since my last musing and how eventful that time has been.
I was moderately happy in love and settled in a job, home and social life.
Things change so quickly.

Within 24 hours my love life was turned upside down - it ended suddenly. To boot, I received a transfer to Brisbane. The irony of being transferred to Bris is that a small part of my request for transfer was to see how this relationship might develop if we were in the same city. The timing is so bizarre one can't help but wonder if some divine force is at work. Why?

It has taken me some time to get over this relationship as I was quite smitten and had foolishly let my guard down. Never again.

Now I am on the track to a new life. The card The World suggests itself at this point.

Let's lay down some more ironies.

I will be moving back into the house I could not escape from fast enough when I was 17.
As I leave my current location, a charming and sexy man has made a strong play for me. The first local to have done so in 8 years of residing here. Yes I know -he is making the play because it is safe to do so as I am leaving... Let me have my fantasies...

Any more to pile up? I think that is sufficient for one quarter, don't' you?

Oh but wait, there's more. One man takes me out to dinner but is too shy to kiss me good night. Another offers somewhat less in the meal department and somewhat more in the lust department -in much less salubrious surroundings. I know it is obvious which one is the more trustworthy, which one I should encourage, but I just can't make myself get hot and flustered for "the good guy". I know there are serious shortcomings with "the devilish one" too. It's hard not to pick the obvious self undermining going on here.

Maybe the Wheel of Fortune is stuck on a stone and just won't turn as I try to move my heart forward to catch up with life's other events which are overtaking me.

Maybe I should just get over it!

Blah!

2008-07-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

Blah!
Sunday night and nothing achieved. A great weekend but none of my list of jobs done. While I sit and ponder, the paperwork breeds around me like microscopic organisms that multiply into an enormous octopus which rises from the ocean to comsume me....
When will it ever stop and why does it have to be so complicated??? Why do people in large corporations never communicate with each other, instead delivering contradictory instructions to pooor confused customers, never once responding to the questions you actually asked.
Blah!

The Queen of Avoidance

2008-07-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am nearing the end of my holidays in which I hoped to be "really productive".

As I look at my "to do list", I see there have been minimal incursions into this enemy territory. What's more, the things that in the past I would avoid doing have now become my replacement avoidance activities. How bad is that??

All year I have dreaded doing my father's paperwork so much that I think I would have entered a burning building to rescue Tony Abbott rather than face the forest of paper which is DP. (Dad's Paperwork). The more I would avoid this, the more the pile of paper would grow until finally I would have to make channels through the stacks of unopened enveloppes to be able to walk around my place. How much mail can one man receive?

As I try to dominate this A4 monster, to wrestle it into some sort of managable proportion, to lay some sort of order to the nine or so piles that decorate the spare bed (this constitues order for me), I become conscious that I am actually now using this as an excuse to avoid another "too hard basket" task which looms over me.

For my job I must complete my "pedagogical licence". As a government employee, this must be completed in my own time of course and I had reserved this holidays to make a really solid start on this rather time consuming project.

How much have I completed, you ask?

Absolutely nothing, zippo, zilch......
I know, I know - it's just that I can't face starting it.

Promise to self - START NOW!!! WITHOUT FAIL!

Yes, yes I will.

Well hang on a moment - I just have to bank some cheques for dad - and there is a movie I have to watch which is due back today......

I will definitely start..... later.

Meisters of the Universe

2008-07-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

Hello All,
this is my first blog!
I was inspired to start blogging after a Sunday afternoon spent at the German Club, where I was with a friend for her birthday.

Here, in this quaintly Bavarian location, I was assailed by a number of octogenarian nazies and a selection of international oddballs who felt that I would inevitably fall to their irrestible charms.
Being the polite person I am, and being at a birthday bash, I thought it was unseemly to express my real reactions to these sexually overdriven, overconfident yet attractively challenged Meisters of the Universe. Instead, my real reactions are contained within these pages.

The adventure began the moment I entered the Chicken Dancing establishment. Aware I was being appraised like a lamb chop at the Annual Meat Fancier's Dinner, I approached my friend in greeting. Not two seconds later it became obvious that I was clearly in the blue ribbon category as I was invited to join some men and their wives, in the German Swingers version of the Finnish Sauna ie, naked free for all.

Clearly, they I felt I should be flattered by their offer. How could any red blooded woman resist the call of the flabby ayran felsh, the receding hair lines fast being overtaken by encroaching bald deserts, the saggy, pouchy eyes and salivating lips.

How could I resist, I hear you ask?

Mustering all my will power I managed to fight off the temptation to say that it would be a cold day in hell (pretty much your swinging sauna scenario really) that I would enter such a steamy trap.

INSTEAD, I politely declined. After an initially mystified response at this surprising knockback,
they gave me the benefit of thinking it over -for about 5 seconds - before they asked again, convinced I was either mad or maybe just being coy and coquetish. Amazingly, I once again declined.
After some persistance on their behalf, I agreed to this outrageous proposal if I could have my male friend with me

Looks of stunned horror!! What could I be thinking, poor mad Australian woman.

"Ah, then sadly I must once again decline this once in a life time opportunity."

Fortunately, the rest of the evening continued without too much interest from the Ms of the U and a mostly pleasant time was had.

But, then just as we were leaving, an ominous shadow appeared in my peripheral vision and swiftly moved to right in front of my face.

"I am leaving now, my dear, unless you can think of a reason why I should stay..." hoarsely whispered an aging Bavarain Love God.

"I can't think of a single one!" I replied.

Please don't think I have tickets on myself... I am a normal middle aged woman of average attractiveness. I do not think I am above the attentions of any individual or group of people.

But, what amazes me is the aggressive assault on unsuspecting women and the utter self belief of some men - of all races. Rejection does not phase them - indeed it surprises them.

What are your views on this???