What has this year been about? I am not sure what I have been meant to learn. Whatever it is, I have not mastered the lesson.
This year I have felt under siege, unsupported, attacked, isolated and betrayed. I cannot see an end to this. I cannot see a way through or a way forward.
I feel very tired in dealing with this. I would like it to end.
It is really good that I have two beautiful daughters who need to have a mother who loves them, supports them and who is there for them.
Otherwise I can see no reason to be here.
I am of no value to anyone else.
I used to feel valued but this year I feel as if I have been discarded, that I have no skills or attributes worth anything to anyone. I am regularly dismissed.
I have indulged in the fantasy of getting cancer -I could make a justified escape.
I have to get up tomorrow and do it all again
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Get your dukes up!
Well I normally run a mile from a conflict, but buckle your seats, we're in for a rocky ride because I am in the middle of a HUGE stoush that promises only to escalate.
I am no good at this stuff. I get flumoxed when people throw diversions into the mix and I let them get off track because I am unseated by counter attacks.
Well, I may be no good at this but I have to see this through and I will not back down.
At the moment there is some serious ganging up on me going on. One person to join the frey is a Johnny come lately and really left behind. She is quite comical in her misguided attempts to be aggressive -mostly because she has no basis for aggression, her points are not valid and she has not done things I have asked her to do so I could help her. For an actress, she does a poor job of the wronged and aggrieved teacher, standing up for her rights.
Throw into the mix that she is just annoying the impartial staffroom members to the point where they intercede on my behalf before I can reply, and the situation becomes farce.
Stay tuned to this space.
Clearly, my only option is to see it through and fight the good fight while looking for a job in a private school or overseas. This is just ridiculous.
I am no good at this stuff. I get flumoxed when people throw diversions into the mix and I let them get off track because I am unseated by counter attacks.
Well, I may be no good at this but I have to see this through and I will not back down.
At the moment there is some serious ganging up on me going on. One person to join the frey is a Johnny come lately and really left behind. She is quite comical in her misguided attempts to be aggressive -mostly because she has no basis for aggression, her points are not valid and she has not done things I have asked her to do so I could help her. For an actress, she does a poor job of the wronged and aggrieved teacher, standing up for her rights.
Throw into the mix that she is just annoying the impartial staffroom members to the point where they intercede on my behalf before I can reply, and the situation becomes farce.
Stay tuned to this space.
Clearly, my only option is to see it through and fight the good fight while looking for a job in a private school or overseas. This is just ridiculous.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
I think it is about time I wrote my First Self Help Book
I think it is about time I share my bountiful wisdom with those of womankind, who like me, find themselves alone in midlife. Time for me to put pen to paper , or finger to keyboard, and give the advice that all middle aged single women need to know. Why should you continue to suffer alone, trying to find your way through the mid - single -life jungle, when I can use my hard won experience , hacking through the undergrowth, above growth and all around growth, to show you the path. Here is the map!
Still working on the title.... Maybe Possession (or lack of it), or Fear and Loathing in Brisvegas or My Last Sigh or maybe The Woman in the Flanny Pyjamas (tasteless, I know). I would prefer a more upbeat title than The Year my Heart Broke.
My ideas for chapters so far are:
Introduction
It's not so bad being alone....
Alone is not lonely.
Better alone and happy than married and miserable.
Chapter one
Cats, Dogs and other cuddle objects.
How to get the most out of your pet, especially in winter when cats can be very satisfactory substitute snuggle partners and feetwarmers.
Dogs are great companions -they love you unconditionally and are always happy to see you. They wag their tails and don't answer back. They never want to spend their time at the pub and they don't have shirts which need ironing.
A dog will love you forever if you open a can of Pal and fill his bowl.
What more can I say?
Chapter Two
Frog Kissing and other online dating hazards
Meeting suitable men is very difficult and online dating to solve this dilemma, has become an accepted part of our culture. Why is it though, that in their profiles, men include photos which are years old. Some might say this is misleading!! After several email conversations and some phone conversations, the final meeting over coffee is the real chemistry quiz!-Is there any?? Looking for gold but always coming up with lead?? You are not alone!
And while we are on the subject of profiles.. Why is it men think including photos of themselves, shirtless, holding aloft a large, recently caught fish, is a turn on for women. Are they thinking "What woman could resist such a bare chested,primal hunter and fisher as me?" I could be wrong here, but it seems to me, this is a photo of a man, by a man FOR a man. Who is the intended audience here?
Maybe I am just an urban woman but the a man holding the old fish aloft or astride the 1500 kawasaki just doesn't do it for me.
Nor the line in one delightful profile "No grannies need apply".
Chapter three
School Reunions and other events to avoid
If you are divorced, you would have read that you are about 40% of the population.
Why is it then, when you attend reunions and other gatherings of people from your past, that you are the only single person in the room??
Logic would dictate that there must be some others, surely, who are in the 40% with you. But no. Apparently not. All those in the 60% who managed to stay married and we hope, happy, are attending this little event. And quietly gloating.
What is the lesson here? Avoid like the veritable swineflu plague.
Chapter four
The Gym Option
When alone, your time is your own. Use the time to spend on yourself. You feel and look better after regular work outs at the gym. Your life expectancy will be improved. Your health will receive a boost. You can wear the clothes you want because they actually fit you! You will feel good about yourself.
Married woman who have no time or interest in looking after their shape and health will hate you for looking so good. This is a good thing. Enjoy!
Chapter five
Healthy Eating or Don't feel like cooking? Don't worry.
You don't have to prepare meals for anyone.
Sometimes you feel like cooking up a feast. Sometimes you feel like throwing a dinner party. Sometimes doing more than opening a bottle of wine fills you with the same amount of dread as jumping into a seething, errupting volcano.
Then- don't do it. I give you permission to sit on your bottom and sip the wine of your choice.
Sit with your glass of wine and nibble cheese and crackers for dinner. It contains some of the essential food groups and is easy on your state of mind.
Freedom is another word for eating what you want when you want it.
Chapter six
Nigel No friends or, going to parties alone.
Yes, I know going to parties alone is uncomfortable. You arrive alone and look like Nigel No Friends or Reject Reggie. However, once you are there you can just mix and mingle. The initial pain is over after you have crossed the threshold.
What other options are there? Arriving with a girlfriend is a good suggestion; however it is not uncommon to have questions raised about your sexual orientation when you arrive with the same friend all the time. (Believe me, this has happened.)
Going with a group of friends is a great option if you can organise them all to arrive with you.
Staying at home is not an option -time to go out and get a life. Being single does not mean having to hide yourself away.
Whichever way you choose to arrive at a party -just make sure you arrive.
Conclusion
Remember -being alone does not mean being lonely.
You have the freedom to eat what you want, when you want it, to peruse male profiles at will, to improve your health at the gym and enjoy cuddling up to a furry pet in mid winter without the maintenance issues of lookng after a man.
Sure it would be better to be in a happy, loving relationship with a man. Sure men are usually better conversationalists than dogs. Sure it would be great to have the companionship of someone who you can trust and be yourself with and really, really love. And yes, sex is a bonus. Good sex, that is.
So maybe there is no us or we, right now. Instead it is I and me.
Time to find and enjoy the joyful, inner life of YOU.
Still working on the title.... Maybe Possession (or lack of it), or Fear and Loathing in Brisvegas or My Last Sigh or maybe The Woman in the Flanny Pyjamas (tasteless, I know). I would prefer a more upbeat title than The Year my Heart Broke.
My ideas for chapters so far are:
Introduction
It's not so bad being alone....
Alone is not lonely.
Better alone and happy than married and miserable.
Chapter one
Cats, Dogs and other cuddle objects.
How to get the most out of your pet, especially in winter when cats can be very satisfactory substitute snuggle partners and feetwarmers.
Dogs are great companions -they love you unconditionally and are always happy to see you. They wag their tails and don't answer back. They never want to spend their time at the pub and they don't have shirts which need ironing.
A dog will love you forever if you open a can of Pal and fill his bowl.
What more can I say?
Chapter Two
Frog Kissing and other online dating hazards
Meeting suitable men is very difficult and online dating to solve this dilemma, has become an accepted part of our culture. Why is it though, that in their profiles, men include photos which are years old. Some might say this is misleading!! After several email conversations and some phone conversations, the final meeting over coffee is the real chemistry quiz!-Is there any?? Looking for gold but always coming up with lead?? You are not alone!
And while we are on the subject of profiles.. Why is it men think including photos of themselves, shirtless, holding aloft a large, recently caught fish, is a turn on for women. Are they thinking "What woman could resist such a bare chested,primal hunter and fisher as me?" I could be wrong here, but it seems to me, this is a photo of a man, by a man FOR a man. Who is the intended audience here?
Maybe I am just an urban woman but the a man holding the old fish aloft or astride the 1500 kawasaki just doesn't do it for me.
Nor the line in one delightful profile "No grannies need apply".
Chapter three
School Reunions and other events to avoid
If you are divorced, you would have read that you are about 40% of the population.
Why is it then, when you attend reunions and other gatherings of people from your past, that you are the only single person in the room??
Logic would dictate that there must be some others, surely, who are in the 40% with you. But no. Apparently not. All those in the 60% who managed to stay married and we hope, happy, are attending this little event. And quietly gloating.
What is the lesson here? Avoid like the veritable swineflu plague.
Chapter four
The Gym Option
When alone, your time is your own. Use the time to spend on yourself. You feel and look better after regular work outs at the gym. Your life expectancy will be improved. Your health will receive a boost. You can wear the clothes you want because they actually fit you! You will feel good about yourself.
Married woman who have no time or interest in looking after their shape and health will hate you for looking so good. This is a good thing. Enjoy!
Chapter five
Healthy Eating or Don't feel like cooking? Don't worry.
You don't have to prepare meals for anyone.
Sometimes you feel like cooking up a feast. Sometimes you feel like throwing a dinner party. Sometimes doing more than opening a bottle of wine fills you with the same amount of dread as jumping into a seething, errupting volcano.
Then- don't do it. I give you permission to sit on your bottom and sip the wine of your choice.
Sit with your glass of wine and nibble cheese and crackers for dinner. It contains some of the essential food groups and is easy on your state of mind.
Freedom is another word for eating what you want when you want it.
Chapter six
Nigel No friends or, going to parties alone.
Yes, I know going to parties alone is uncomfortable. You arrive alone and look like Nigel No Friends or Reject Reggie. However, once you are there you can just mix and mingle. The initial pain is over after you have crossed the threshold.
What other options are there? Arriving with a girlfriend is a good suggestion; however it is not uncommon to have questions raised about your sexual orientation when you arrive with the same friend all the time. (Believe me, this has happened.)
Going with a group of friends is a great option if you can organise them all to arrive with you.
Staying at home is not an option -time to go out and get a life. Being single does not mean having to hide yourself away.
Whichever way you choose to arrive at a party -just make sure you arrive.
Conclusion
Remember -being alone does not mean being lonely.
You have the freedom to eat what you want, when you want it, to peruse male profiles at will, to improve your health at the gym and enjoy cuddling up to a furry pet in mid winter without the maintenance issues of lookng after a man.
Sure it would be better to be in a happy, loving relationship with a man. Sure men are usually better conversationalists than dogs. Sure it would be great to have the companionship of someone who you can trust and be yourself with and really, really love. And yes, sex is a bonus. Good sex, that is.
So maybe there is no us or we, right now. Instead it is I and me.
Time to find and enjoy the joyful, inner life of YOU.
It has been some months since my last blog. I wouldn't want you to think I haven't written anything for so long because I was busy having a good time, out socialising, having fun generally.
It has actually been one of the worst professional experiences f my life. I am not used to having such long knives around me in such close proximity all the time. I have had the misfortune to work with some very toxic people in a very toxic place. I think i t was a very bad mistake to come here and I realise that my physical and mental health will not hold out indefinitely against such sustained assault.
Despite not usually being one to admit defeat, I think, I have decided I am over this and need to look elsewhere for my living. I really enjoy teaching these kids but maybe it's time to look for a job outside of teaching -not sure how I would find one though.
Maybe it's time to just go back to the classroom. I wonder if I could get a job back at Benowa.
Maybe I need to get a job teaching overseas at an International school. Easier said than done.
I need to plan and find a way out of this.
It has actually been one of the worst professional experiences f my life. I am not used to having such long knives around me in such close proximity all the time. I have had the misfortune to work with some very toxic people in a very toxic place. I think i t was a very bad mistake to come here and I realise that my physical and mental health will not hold out indefinitely against such sustained assault.
Despite not usually being one to admit defeat, I think, I have decided I am over this and need to look elsewhere for my living. I really enjoy teaching these kids but maybe it's time to look for a job outside of teaching -not sure how I would find one though.
Maybe it's time to just go back to the classroom. I wonder if I could get a job back at Benowa.
Maybe I need to get a job teaching overseas at an International school. Easier said than done.
I need to plan and find a way out of this.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Phoenix
Death is the card that most haunts my readings at the moment.
I am taking that in the best light possible under the circumstances.
Of course there is death. I have just moved cities. I am starting a new job. I have left friends and people I care about. I have left someone special to me, knowing that my leaving will be the end of it.
But with death, the cards tell us, is rebirth. Rebirth means new beginnings, possibilities, reinvention, new life.
But birth, never mind rebirth is always painful. Just ask a mother.
So I am going through pangs at the moment. I feel a sense of loss and I am questioning if I have done the right thing. I am optimistic about the future but never the less, anxious.
Whatever happens, I will deal with it. But I know that I must endure the transition from death into new life and bear it with courage and fortitude and and an outward appearance of confidence.
I am taking that in the best light possible under the circumstances.
Of course there is death. I have just moved cities. I am starting a new job. I have left friends and people I care about. I have left someone special to me, knowing that my leaving will be the end of it.
But with death, the cards tell us, is rebirth. Rebirth means new beginnings, possibilities, reinvention, new life.
But birth, never mind rebirth is always painful. Just ask a mother.
So I am going through pangs at the moment. I feel a sense of loss and I am questioning if I have done the right thing. I am optimistic about the future but never the less, anxious.
Whatever happens, I will deal with it. But I know that I must endure the transition from death into new life and bear it with courage and fortitude and and an outward appearance of confidence.
Friday, January 2, 2009
the value of friends
The value of friends cannot be underestimated.
The easy laughter; the sharing of confidences; the advice given, offered, considered, turned up and down; the moral support given and received; the affection grown; the mutual understanding; these form the garden of friendship.
After an extended period of playing my cards very close to my chest, I have recently let down my guard and have invited a wonderful new friend into my life. She is so refreshing and revitalsing. I look forward to time spent with her. The rewards of being open again are abundant.
I am lucky to have found such a great friend.
Thanks Jude!
You're wonderful.
The easy laughter; the sharing of confidences; the advice given, offered, considered, turned up and down; the moral support given and received; the affection grown; the mutual understanding; these form the garden of friendship.
After an extended period of playing my cards very close to my chest, I have recently let down my guard and have invited a wonderful new friend into my life. She is so refreshing and revitalsing. I look forward to time spent with her. The rewards of being open again are abundant.
I am lucky to have found such a great friend.
Thanks Jude!
You're wonderful.
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